“Please Outbid Our Own Citizens For Homes,” Government Tells International Property Conference

THE MINISTER for Housing James Browne has assembled a crack team of delegates to join him at the MIPIM property investment conference on the French Riviera, where he is expected to encourage institutional investors to grab as much of a stake in Irish housing as they can.

“You’d be mad not to outbid our citizens for the homes they need but won’t get, have you seen the rent yields? Higher than an after party in Ibiza,” confirmed one government representative, sent to France to drum up interest in Irish housing.

“And if you won’t outbid at least supply the finance so that these developments can be built and wholly owned and rented out by your good selves,” encouraged Irish officials.

Some have criticised the fact that large Irish developers are sponsoring the government’s pitch at the conference but these critics have been labeled as ‘jealous hurlers on the ditch who will be at the inevitable tribunal wagging their fingers saying “I knew something wasn’t right here”‘.

“Think of the houses not as homes but like financial assets to be bled dry, like how we think of our people. And don’t worry, you won’t find much resistance they’ve given up all hope,” read leaked parts of a pitch document to investors seen by WWN.

Despite the initial warm reception, some investors were left confused by the eager Irish team.

“I think Irish thing is a scam, no? They say, ‘we have public land, please provide finance and build on it, we will give many many subsidies and then at the end you own the buildings, but then we pay you more money to rent it from you for 30 years, and then at the end of this time, you still own building and can sell it or rent to us again for 30 years’,” one investor said to a peer as they fled the Irish stand.

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