It Is My Solemn Duty As A Journalist To Fit As Many Sordid Puns & Innuendos As Possible Into This Story About Olympic Skiers Injecting Their Mickies

HEAD honchos of doping authority WADA have promised to take a long hard look at unlikely rumours that have come from nowhere and erupted into a full blown scandal, leaving the sporting world with their mouths agape.

It’s alleged some of the biggest members of the mens’ Olympic ski jumping community are looking to increase the size of their members to gain an aerodynamic edge in the face of increasingly stiff competition by injecting their penises with hyaluronic acid, putting organisers between a rock and a hard place, unsure if the seal has been broken on any rigid rules.

“This is huge news if true, a failure to detect such acts would represent a real balls up for WADA,” former head of WADA, and actual real person, Dick Pound confirmed.

With crowds pumped to see competitors enter the event and go at it head-to-head, many are in favour of authorities taking a softly softly approach to any athlete found trying to do everything to reach the peak of their powers at the climax of the Winter Olympics.

“Schlong running rumours like this only create a ding-dong back and forth pile on between the press and the athletes before everyone concludes that when it comes to the truth, they’re shooting blanks,” confirmed one IOC member.

The growing scandal stretches the limit of what many people considered possible in gaining an advantage in a sport that involves jumpers maintaining a long straight line before leaping into the sky and maintaining an erect position until they make a hard landing on the slopes below.

Dubbed ‘Penisgate’, doping your dick to trick authorities could turn out to be a seminal event in the sporting world going forward.

Additional reporting by Michael Long and Richard Head.