Andrew & Fergie Relocate To Epstein’s Island Following Windsor Eviction

“IT hasn’t changed a bit!” the narcissist formerly known as Prince Andrew shouted at his ex, Sarah Ferguson, as they arrived at the notorious Little Saint John’s Island this morning.

Evicted from their 30-room Royal Lodge in Windsor where they had lived rent free for more than 20 years, the estranged pair stood solemnly before the vacant shell of the island, haunted by its past occupants, incidents and scandals.

“I never liked that old temple anyway,” Andrew offered weakly, trying to lighten the mood as his dishevelled companion surveyed the bare foundations of a blue and white striped structure topped with a gilded dome. “Actually, this would be a lovely spot to sit with a glass of wine and just forget it all, what do you think, Fergs?”

Rolling her eyes and blinking back tears, Sarah Ferguson wondered how she had ended up here, regretting the choices that led her to stand beside the father of her two daughters, Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie, and to keep company with the controversial financier Jeffrey Epstein, the island’s former owner and a convicted sex offender.

“At least the girls kept their titles, that’s something, right?” Andrew offered, fishing for reassurance from his 66-year-old ex-wife.

“Oh shut up, you nonce bastard,” Fergie screamed, telling him where to go. “You can sleep in the massage parlours that got us into this mess, and I’ll take Jeff’s house. Don’t come near me.”

“Don’t worry, you’re fifty years too old for me anyway,” Andrew attempted a comeback before realising that he’d only insulted himself.