Heather Humphreys Attends Emergency Samba Soccer Academy In Bid To Make Up Gap In Polls

A CRACK team of futsol loving Brazilians have been brought to a GAA pitch in Monaghan as part of a last-ditch attempt by Fine Gael to reverse Heather Humphreys’ slide in the polls, WWN can reveal.

Party strategists have identified a video of rival candidate for the Irish presidency Catherine Connolly recently showing off her soccer skills as the moment the left-wing candidate pulled out in front, as reflected in the latest polling conducted by the Irish Times.

“Those keepy fecking uppies have been worth at least 5% to Connolly in the polls,” a panicked Simon Harris said, watching on from the sidelines as Humphreys was being put through her paces.

Those in the party running Humphreys’ campaign have confirmed that with no intention of trying to reach out to voters and appeal to them on issues that matter, an intensive Samba Soccer academy with a side portion of bashing your opponent any chance you get will have to do.

“It’s not even a Fenian sport! Ah Christ sake Heather,” Harris said as he watched Humphreys attempt and fail the Maradona 7 for the 1,458th time this morning.

Humphreys was initially reluctant to do undertake a week’s worth of mastering ‘jogo bonito’ but after seeing the polls is open to getting a Celtic crest back tattoo.

“This is our only hope, the voters seem to be obsessed with football skills, that’s all they want from a politician. It definitely has nothing to do with her being personable, approachable and in tune with the concerns of everyday people,” reasoned Fine Gael staff as they glued a football to Humphreys’ foot and began looking ‘how to do CGI football skills’ on their phones.

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