“You Shouldn’t Have!” Kremlin Officials Surprised Putin On His Birthday By Throwing Intern From Window

WITH JUST a solitary sliver of birthday cake in the Kremlin office fridge serving as the only reminder of a celebration, you’d be forgiven for not realising Vladimir Putin had his 73rd birthday this week.

The Russian leader’s trademark low-key approach largely extended to how he marked his birthday but staff still managed to surprise him as evidenced by the chalk outline of the body of an intern 10 storeys below his office window.

“No I’m not crying, it’s just my eyes are leaking but honestly guys, that’s so thoughtful; to know people know me so well. It’s the perfect gift, just perfect,” Putin said watching on as his aides each took the limb of a new intern and marched him towards an open window.

“I know last year I asked for Russia to be given a leader capable of whipping this embarrassment of an army into shape but since that’s impossible this is a nice second place gift. It wouldn’t be a birthday without the sound of someone plummeting to their death. You spoil me,” continued Putin.

The war criminal and child kidnapper’s birthday bliss was interrupted momentarily when Putin complained about how his morning coffee wasn’t on his desk but soon laughter erupted when he realised that was one of Sergei’s duties and he had recently undertaken his first and final flying lesson.

UPDATE: Several more Kremlin officials undertook flying lessons in order to distract Putin from losses of Russian oil supplies in Ukrainian military strikes.

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