Spotify Founder Steps Down To Pursue Passion Of Killing People With AI Military Venture

SPOTIFY FOUNDER Daniel Ek is to step down from his position as CEO in order to follow his passion for optimising warfare to maximise death count through data-led AI innovations in murder tech, WWN can reveal.

“Making musicians suffer mental breakdowns as they receive royalty payments of $0.003 for streaming their song no longer satisfies me the way it once did, I’m on to the next great adventure,” explained the departing Ek, sharing how his $600mn investment in Helsing, a company that develops military drones, will take up his time now.

“While stealing money from creative people is rewarding, I couldn’t help but feel like perhaps stealing lives themselves could be the great next frontier ,” expanded Ek, whose transition to living Bond villain is almost complete.

Ek admitted that he grew jealous of the pursuits of other billionaires whose new projects seemed much more exciting than filling Spotify with AI music and neglecting to tell subscribers.

“Zuckerberg is building chat bots which are trying to engage in sexualised conversations with children, Musk guts US government funding to the point it directly caused deaths in the developing world, and I’m like man, I need to achieve something deeply, deeply, sinister too or I’ll risk being one of those weird freak billionaires who tries to do good,” concluded Ek.

In his departing speech Ek also made special mention of Laois woman Patricia Scallon, who by streaming Hozier’s Too Sweet approximately 47,000 times this summer directly helped Ek increase his fortune to the point he could develop something called the ‘Orphan Creating Drone Cannon’.

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