Trump To Send National Guard Into Dublin Following Assault Of NFL Player

US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has ordered the national guard into ‘the 51st State’ after calling the sovereign American territory of Dublin ‘a warzone’ where lawlessness reigns and NFL quarterbacks are robbed.

“FREE DUBLIN FROM LEFTIST GANGS” said the president, who suffers from a debilitating conditions which means he can only speak in all caps.

“THEY EATING CAT AND DOGS ON O’CONNELL STREET, END THE MADNESS,” continued Trump before urging Temple Bar publicans to raise the price of pints to $30.

The national guard deployment comes moments after Trump ordered ICE to detain two Irish men in New York who he accused of robbing a small gold statue from a golf club.

In the wake of the assault of NFL player Skylar Thompson, Fáilte Ireland have responded by curling up in a ball in the corner and crying hysterically.

In similarly disturbing incidents of robbery and theft, thousands of people reportedly paid €250 to attend a sports game in Croke Park yesterday.

Elsewhere, Trump has said a local Dublin man will also receive the Medal of Freedom after live-streaming himself shouting ‘pedos’ at a Somalian refugee and her children outside an IPAS centre in the city.

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