“My Followers Will Hear About This” Still Quickest Way To Get Kicked Out Of Restaurant

AN ANNUAL report into the dining habits of the nation has revealed that urging an establishment to give you preferential treatment lest you bad mouth them to your online followers remains the quickest way to get reunited with the pavement outside, WWN can reveal.

“Brain surgeon just retiring or a murderer released from prison after 20 years, we don’t care we’ll try our best to give you a lovely meal and evening, but if you mention you’ve followers online so help me god,” confirmed one waiter who had to retrained after losing his temper at the mere thought of being at the beck and call of an entitled influencer.

“You’ll tag me for a free meal? It’ll be good exposure? I’m about to expose my foot up your arse, you’ll pay like everyone else,” was the most common phrase uttered in restaurants this year shortly before someone was kicked out of a dining establishment.

Of the 4,000 eateries consulted in the annual For Fork Sake report, 98% of respondents confirmed not so subtle references to the fact you have a following online is the least liked quality in a customer, placing ahead of customers who rob establishments a gunpoint or clog the toilets.

“I looked at your profile, you’ve 2,300 followers re-fucking-lax pal, that’s not going to change the fact you asked for your steak to be done ‘well-meeds’ and I laughed in your face,” confirmed one restaurant proprietor who is old enough to remember when eating meals didn’t require a full scale photoshoot.

Elsewhere, a similar report into customer satisfaction found that 98% of customers reported waiting on their starters for an hour as staff fawned over ‘some prick who was on the Six O’Clock Show’ once.

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