Unlucky In Love: Every Single One Of Man’s Exes Are ‘Mental’

HAILED as one of the unluckiest men in Ireland by friends and family, Limerick’s own Derry Holden insists his love life has been cursed, plagued, in his words, by ‘a parade of mental bitches.’

Speaking from the comfort of his parents’s box room where’s he’s sought refuge after the demise of his latest relationship, the 32-year-old rattled through a litany of failed relationships, each ending in what he claims was emotional chaos.

“First was Jessica from Portlaoise,” he began. “After a year she starts talking about moving in together and having kids. I’m like, ‘Okay, psycho’. She wonders why I went off with her best friend after that – absolute headbanger.”

Following a string of short-lived romances, Holden soon found himself ‘snared again.’

“Tracey used to text me every couple of hours asking how my day was. I’m in work – working! Then I get home and she’s all over me, suffocating me. I told her I needed space, so she asks ‘Why did you move to Spain in the middle of the night?’ Wouldn’t stop calling me a coward. I even had to change my number. Dodged a bullet there. Heard she’s a therapist now. Probably trying to figure herself out.”

A stint abroad brought no relief.

“I thought Spanish women would be more chilled. Nope. All family this, family that. Three years in, she’s introducing me as ‘the one’. Her dad starts asking about marriage, so I’m out the gap. Women are bonkers, man.”

Now, after years of bad luck, labourer Holden says he’s committed to the bachelor lifestyle.

“I’ve a couple of quare ones on the go for about a year. One’s pregnant, but I’m not that kind of guy. Best keep them all at arm’s length. You know, stay free.”