How To Reverse Declining Birth Rates In Western Countries

SPERM COUNT worldwide has dropped by 50% compared with several decades ago and birth rates are falling through the floor. What is a western country to do?

Well, WWN has consulted the finest experts in their respective reproductive fields and collated the best informative solutions:

Pour money into all research that points the reason for declining fertility rates away from things like scarcity of affordable housing, high rents and high cost of childcare.

Replace unsuspecting childless cat ladies’ cats with babies while they sleep.

Give millennials free avocados on toast in exchange for every child sired.

Mandate nightclubs must play ‘Hot In Here’ by Nelly at least six times every night.

Make men wear Pedro Pascal masks to bed.

Don’t be so hung up on the core values of your partner, nobody is perfect and plus, Gaddafi had 10 kids, Stalin had 7, Mussolini and Hussein had 6 whereas Pedro Pascal has none.

Make Teen Pregnancies Great Again.

Blame women for having jobs.

Blame women for having autonomy.

Blame women for insisting on choosing their own partners.

Change laws so women can’t have or do those things.

Extend remote working to maternity ward beds so women can feel really supported by their bosses to have children.

Just let Elon Musk keep doing his creepy repopulate the world thing.

Government incentives – tie €20,000 in cash to a woman’s placenta.

Turn down the volume on all children.

Start massive nationwide advertising campaigns called ‘settle for less’ encouraging women to just abandon all hope and accept the next guy who comes along.

Employ laws like those seen in the movie The Purge but instead of allowing all-out violence one day every year, only allow men to masturbate one day a year.

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