Henchmen Really Susceptible To Kick In The Bollocks, Finds Report

A COMPREHENSIVE study spanning over sixty years and involving hundreds of researchers, analysts, and henchmen test subjects has finally concluded, in a 3,000-page dossier, that henchmen are especially vulnerable to a good old-fashioned kick in the balls.

Regardless of background; martial arts expertise, firearms training, or possession of special weapons such as metal teeth, prosthetic machine-gun arms, or razor-rimmed bowler hats, nothing brings a henchman down faster than that unmistakable, soul-erasing pain of having his testicles launched so far into his torso that they rebound off his ribcage and resonate like a tuning fork striking a cathedral bell.

The findings have thrown the global henchman community into disarray, with evil masterminds scrambling to reassess operations amid concerns that over 32,567 registered henchmen may soon be rendered obsolete.

“This came as a bit of a shock, if I’m honest,” said Daniel Ryan, a veteran henchman who has served a prominent Irish villain for 23 years without a single groin-related incident. “I mean, sure, we could start wearing protective cups, but try convincing a world-renowned supervillain wanted in 192 countries that you’ve got everything under control while clanking around like a cricket player. Honestly, I think releasing this report now, when villainy is at an all-time high, was wildly irresponsible.”

Defending the study, Professor Thomas Hayes, who oversaw its publication, stated that the research was long overdue and that henchmen could either adapt or “moan like little bitches.”

“They could always just get them removed if they’re that precious about it,” Hayes added dryly. “Since the report’s release, applications from aspiring female henchpeople have skyrocketed, which is a win for both occupational safety and gender balance in the evil underworld.”

Groundbreaking journalism comes at a cost and that cost is checking out our class collection of mugs, t-shirts and hoodies HERE