Human Rights Group Take Up Cause Of Irish Supporters Forced To Watch Ireland Play Football

“AS IF WE don’t have enough going on in the fucking world right now. Will you please, for the love of God, just put together one free-flowing attacking passage of play. Is that too much to ask? Fuck sake”

The words of the International Monitor For Human Rights, in a statement issued seconds after the full-time whistle of Ireland’s 0-0 draw with Luxembourg.

“And to say ‘at least England lost last night’ is to deflect from the torture inflicted on your own footballing public,” cautioned the IMFHR, noting that the FAI cannot its culpability after hiring a man with the word ‘grim’ in his surname.

A tortuous 90 minutes in which an attack as sharp as a bowling ball seemed to have making grown men weep as its only aim.

“My eyes will never get over that, I don’t think I ever want to see again. I woke up three times last night screaming about a ball bouncing off the shins of our midfield,” said one Irish supporter who was being supported by the IMFHR with trauma counselling.

“This team has a good chance of qualifying” said one supporter so beaten down and psychologically tortured by repeat viewings on the national team, he has lost all connection to reality.

Meanwhile, the IMFHR will continue to provide humane intervention in the form of screening replays of Italia ’90 matches until the weeping stops.

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