“I’ve Never Received So Much Praise For Shutting My Mouth”

BEING ON the receiving end of heavy praise for keeping the head down, displaying no back bone and the mouth virtually glued shut during a media engagement with Donald Trump, Taoiseach Micheál Martin has now taken a vow of silence, WWN has learned.

“We’ve tried everything to get him to speak but he refuses. Ever since he saw how low the bar was for Irish statesmen in America, that really all it takes is to shut the fuck up to be showered with praise, he wants to keep it going,” explained one aide to the Fianna Fáil leader.

While Martin has on many occasions heard the words ‘would you ever shut up’, he had never up until yesterday been so universally praised for smiling along in silence as if auditioning for a role in the remake of Mr Bean.

“Reflecting on the positive mutterings after that conference with Trump made Micheál realise the key to popularity isn’t contradicting the Irish public and telling them all current crises aren’t as bad as they think and are in fact Sinn Féin’s fault, but rather to be popular he just simply has to avoid talking,” explained a source.

Commentators called Martin’s monk like mutene performance in the White House ‘a masterful display of soft power and diplomacy that ensures Ireland economic future’ and ‘a stomach churning, forelock tugging embarrassment’.

Elsewhere, with his role as Taoiseach ending in 2027, Martin has already turned his thoughts to his career after politics, announcing his intention to be a tourism ambassador for Doonbeg golf club.

“Gee whizz, I’d do it for free, you wouldn’t have to pay me Mr. Trump. It’s heaven on earth that place, everyone should go, the most beautiful place in the world,” said Martin, breaking his vow of silence.

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