Nation’s Traffic At Standstill As Post-Christmas Re-turn Machine Queues Clog Roads

TAILBACKS of 10 miles have been reported in some areas in Ireland today as people attempt to dispense with their post-Christmas cans of beer, in the first Christmas since the Re-turn recycling scheme was introduced.

“Authorities should have seen this coming, we should have quadrupled the number of machines,” said one man from his car which he has been trapped in for 17 hours just outside the car park to his local Lidl such is the traffic.

With Re-turn machines currently processing on average 121 cans per minute nationwide on the four remaining machines that aren’t out of order, the country’s main traffic arteries are more clogged than your heart after a third helping a gravy covered turkey.

“I didn’t think it through when I got in the eight slabs for the Christmas, I usually have a mental breakdown when I do the post-Christmas dump run but I guess I’ll just have it now,” added one individual towing a trailer full of his haul of Christmas cans which included some from the days they had the in-laws and neighbours over.

The problem has been exacerbated by the fact everyone currently in traffic thought they were getting the can return done before it dawned on anyone else, rendering being stuck in bastard traffic all the more heartbreaking.

“I’m missing an Indiana Jones marathon on RTÉ,” said one driver, unaware the car they’ve been stuck behind for 2 hours is in fact made entirely of beer cans abandoned by a driver who gave up and fled long ago.

UPDATE: Supermarkets with Re-turn machines are now providing hose down showers for drivers stuck in their cars for hours on end who now stink of stale alcohol emanating from their boots and back seats.

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