Al Pacino’s Parenting Tips For Older Fathers

HAVING recently confirmed in a world exclusive that there’s ‘nothing’ after you die following a near-death experience with Covid, acting legend Al Pacino returns to give parenting advice.

A father again at 84, here are some top tips from Al that other older fathers may appreciate:

“When I first read the news, I said that can’t be true, dead at 84? But I’m me and I’m alive, then I realised it said ‘dad at 84’, which is more terrifying if you ask me.

Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in. What I’m trying to say guys is wear condoms. Even in your 80s. You’d think it’d just be ground down into a chalky dust but those swimmers are still swimming.

Buy adult sized diapers, that way, you and your child both get use out of them.

Go halves on baby food too. No chewing required, what a dream!

Keep your child close but your nurse closer.

Remembering names is tough so make sure the kid wears a name tag. Wear one yourself too, remembering your own name is equally tough at times.

Say hello to my little friend; the mother of the child who is 55 years younger than me and will do the vast majority of child raring.

Schedule the eight times you have to get up and pee in the middle of the night with his night feeds.

Get one of those mobility scooters that has the baby basket sidecars. Expensive but worth it.

When you’re older planning is important, make sure your funeral doesn’t clash with their first day at the creche.”

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