Britsplaining: How To Gently Remind Your British Friend Why A Great Many Nations Resent Their Country

OPERATING at times at what seems like a different frequency of human interaction only they can hear, some British people can at times find certain concepts completely unintelligible, such as why there is any hostility toward their country.

A new communicative tool, ‘Britsplaining’, developed at a language lab in a leading Irish university aims to change that and make the world a more inclusive and discernible place for some British people.

If you have a British friend so incurious about the history of their nation’s foreign policies that they treat you like their own private crimes against humanity Wikipedia, try some of these phrase on for size:

“You know the ‘great trips abroad civilising people’ chapter in your history book at school? Yeah well, that chapter in India for example is actually called ‘arbitrarily partitioning country resulting in the deaths of 1 million people’.”

“The ‘British War Crimes’ entry on Wikipedia is over 11,000 words long”.

“No obviously, you didn’t personally carry out or endorse these things done by your country’s military but you will always be told to go fuck yourself when you ask an Irish person ‘do we own all of it? Explain it to me again’. They’re just the rules, I don’t make them.”

“Oh Hitler? Bad dude totally, but inventor of the concentration camp? Haha, sit down here a minute and let me tell you all about a little thing called the Second Boer War…”

“You biggest crime is brutalising far off countries for their spices and then refusing to use any in your food”.

“In Kenya when you ask about the traumatic massacre of innocent people at the ends of the British people they respond with ‘which one?'”.

“During the Irish famine the British prevented the Ottomon Empire from delivering rice to starving Irish people. This will be the first of 4,308 examples I will give. No, sit the fuck down, you asked and so you’re going to listen to the answer. Where was I? Oh yes, the British army’s execution of people by strapping the person to the front of a canon…”

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