Fine Gael Promise To Fix Thing They’ve Had 13 Years To Fix

FURTHER IMPRESSING UPON the public that Fine Gael is a fresh and renewed political party under his leadership, Simon Harris has made vague indications that he would do something or other about one or two issues. However, the public will have to wait until after they reelect his party into power for such broad and indeterminate plans to be put in place.

“We’re going big when it comes to making childcare affordable,” declared Harris at a party think-in where brains being checked at the door was a prerequisite for gaining entry.

“You may think you’ve been telling us for a decade plus that childcare can be like a second mortgage but it’s Fine Gael that’s discovered this surprising unheard of childcare issue, which is why we’ve acted so swiftly in trying to bribe the electorate with a pledge to not actually do anything apart from saying we’ll promise a consultation process,” added the Taoiseach, flanked by more politicians beaming with pride at having thought of such a thing.

“Did I say we’ve got a new energy, a new energy has Fine Gael. The energy? Well, it’s new!” added Harris, neglecting to mention it is the most inefficient coal based energy the world has ever seen.

Anticipating certain questions from the awaiting media, the Fine Geal leader said that of course an additional, sudden injection of €13bn into the coffers could help address some of the most pressing issues of our time but he would instead be trying to attract intolerant xenophobes by announcing another cut to asylum seekers benefits.