Seagull Takes Man’s Sandwich, Job, Wife & Children

A FRESH WARNING has been issued by Dublin City Council officials as seagulls remain a brazen threat above the city’s skies, ready to strike when people least expect it, something local man Darragh McDermott can attest to from devastating personal experience.

“I was taking my lunch in Stephen’s Green and the winged bird of bastarding chaos came out of nowhere and before I knew it we were wrestling for my BLT,” offered McDermott, not only retelling the tale but reliving it.

Soon losing out on his lunch became the least of McDermott’s problems.

“I returned to work hungry as anything and in conference room B, there was the bird, delivering my Q4 projections like I’d never existed, I complained to my boss but he just said ‘hey, he knows his stuff!’ and I was let go on the spot”.

Home, typically a haven from the harsh world outside, had more surprises in store for McDermott who had walked the streets for hours afraid to tell his wife he had lost his job.

“‘It’s not what it looks like, we’re in love’. My wife Caoimhe really thought that would cut it as an excuse. We’d been married 12 years and all it took was an evening of sweet talk for this prick of seagull to woo her. I asked him straight out why he was ruining my life but all he said was ‘you shouldn’t have fought me for that sandwich bro’. Bro? Now the twins call him dad, they won’t even talk to me,” McDermott said, breaking down in tears.

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