BREAKING a record that has stood since Andy Green hit 763mph in his Turbofan Rolls-Royce in the Black Rock Desert in 1997, Irish woman Tara Dealan is being celebrated by speed chasing adrenaline junkies everywhere after breaking the land speed record.
Achieved by her own two feet as she left a Dublin restaurant mere seconds after a man she was dating stated ‘a lot of what Andrew Tate says is actually taken out of context’, Dealan broke the sound barrier topping speeds of 800mph as she fled the scene.
“Fuck me that was a close call,” said Dealan as she was doused in champagne by Guinness World Record officials who had informed her of her achievement while also gifting her an additional certificate acknowledging her ‘dodged a dickhead’ milestone.
Dealan’s date Tom Halton, was slow to notice her swift exit and so continued to talk about how women like to owned by a man for several minutes.
“It was all instinct really,” explained Dealan of her speeding triumph, “the same way a gormless misogytwit would say ‘in cave man times women didn’t go out to work in an office, it’s just a biological fact’ I think it’s just a biological fact that I needed to get as far away from that idiot as quickly as possible for the sake of all of our collective gene pool”.
Despite her incredible feat Dealan shared that she felt there were probably easier ways to identify and avoid Andrew Tate acolytes than reaching Mach 1 speed.
“Just swear off men for life,” concluded Dealan.
Meanwhile, left abandoned at the restaurant ditched-date Halton was busy composing a text to Dealan which featured the words ‘up’, ‘bitch’, ‘stuck’ and ‘lesbian’.