Ukraine War Entering That Drawn-Out, Barely Newsworthy Phase


IT has been explained to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy that the plight of his nation ‘couldn’t have been expected’ to still be front-page news after three months of coverage, adding that people ‘don’t really like when these things have no end in sight’.

Factors contributing to Ukraine’s demotion down the ranks of newsworthy items include:

– The increase in celebrity trials such as the Johnny Depp v Amber Heard battle, which was described as ‘way more entertaining’ than the grim daily footage emerging from war-torn Ukraine. ‘Rebekah Vardy and Colleen Rooney didn’t help Ukraine’s cause much either by being so meme-worthy’ added another source.

– Soaring living costs have dominated news headlines in recent months, reducing Ukraine from the leading story to a footnote explaining why everything is so dear these days.

– Too many good TV shows and minutes out at the minute; as such, news stations have had to offer stories that were easy to digest and get lost in, rather than the labyrinthine machinations of Eastern European conflict which ‘feels like homework’.

– Elon Musk’s ongoing acquisition of Twitter disrupted newsfeeds for weeks, as social media became more concerned about how the Tesla chief’s deal would affect their favourite app and less concerned about depressing things like war, famous for being ‘hard to get into’.

“Ukraine isn’t quite at Afghanistan levels of ‘is that thing still going on?’, but it’s getting there,” said one of our media insiders.

“In truth, it was over for Ukraine the minute Will Smith slapped Chris Rock. That’s when the headlines switched, over night. Goodbye death and misery, hello rich people acting spoiled. Ukraine never recovered, they were instantly old news”.

Zelenskyy and his people must now live in hope that Boris Johnson’s ongoing partygate troubles cause the British PM to shine a spotlight on Ukraine in a bid to distract the media for a few weeks until it all blows over.