A Guide To Faking The Male Orgasm

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THE LANDSCAPE of 21st century lovemaking is in a constant state of flux, just when you’ve spent hours mastering the ‘reverse lounging lizard’, ‘the badger’s armpit’ or fellating yourself no sooner has a new position, technique or trend emerged.

However, an under-researched area of sexuality and sexual expression remains ignored; the right of men to fake orgasms.

Famously, men are excellent at sex and never receive any complaints whereas women are constantly disappointing their partners in the bedroom leaving men with little option but to pretend like they’re getting the ride of their lives.

How is this done? To find out, we asked our male readers to share their stories.

“What would a horse sound like if it sneezed while eating a carrot? Well, that’s been my inspiration for when I have to pretend to have ejaculated. It never fails me, even when the missus does. She cums within 5 seconds so I’ve to pretend like I do too, it’s frustrating” – Joe, 22.

“Never over act. Just think ‘what would Daniel Day Lewis do?’ you know if he was playing the role of an absolute legend in the sack who has to pretend like ‘oh that was amazing’. It’s been my most challenging role to date but herself doesn’t suspect a thing” – Jason, 30.

“Keep an emergency yogurt by your bed. That way you can slyly throw a spoonful of it into the condom when she’s not paying attention due to the fact she’s still recovering from her genuine earth-shattering orgasm that she definitely had” – Will, 26.

“I’m gay so we don’t have boring straight people sex, I don’t have to do this… but my go to is replicating that high note in All I Want For Christmas Is You. Never fails.” – Jamie, 20.

“Have ya ever seen a goat have a seizure? Look it up on YouTube there and take notes. If you can replicate those noises you’ll have fooled her into thinking she’s not awful in bed. I’m glad men are finally opening up about this, we’ve suffered in silence for too long” – Eddie, 41.

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