“Ah, Hello? God Knows More About Vaccinations Than Any Doctor”

In his brand new column, Bishop Cornelius Byle, WWN’s resident priest and conscience expert, explains why vaccines are rubbish, they make God cry and force women to have sex like maniacal sluts.

Good after evening to you all and welcome to my column. First of all I’d like to thank WWN for giving me the platform to air my grievances. Without these brave souls giving me the space to push my own agenda, I would just be another priest saying mass to a handful of double-parking old people in rural Waterford. God will reward this fine publication, no doubt.

It has come to my attention that some people seem to think modern day medical science knows more than God, the creator of the whole entire universe. I don’t often swear, but may I say what malarkey that sort of thinking is. God invented the human body, and therefore invented all the illnesses such as sexual desire, that you all suffer from. Now, instead of getting angry about that, what with cancer and all that, we should simply listen to his words of grace and wisdom.

I’ve been made aware of a vaccination which is being marketed by the medical profession as a way to try and prevent cervical cancer, but shortly after convening with the boss upstairs I’ve been told it’s actually a slut-activation injection. The horror of it all.

I’m now going to attempt to fill some gaps in your medical knowledge by quoting irrefutable facts that God himself has imparted to us all through the Bible.

Sexual intercourse, that horrid act that is just about the most beautiful thing in the world if it’s carried out by married Catholics, was invented by JFK and Jackie Kennedy, and while we’re thankful for it, it has sullied the mind of the young.

Shocking as it sounds, women are actually permitted to have sex and choose their own sexual partners, with many even opting for other women if you can believe it. That’s right. Woman x 2. Utter, utter filth. The Bible is very clear on vaccinations and advances in 21st medicine; no thank you. In fact, God knows so much about vaccinations he couldn’t fit any of it into the Bible, which contradicts my previous sentence, but you’ll get used to that.

A massive mistake your parents are making is listening to medical professionals. If I had known so many of you were using GPs for your medical needs I would have stood outside their clinics and given you God’s advice directly. If you go through with this and turn your daughters into sluts they’re going to have a hard auld job of getting communion the following Sunday. Just ask yourself this; would I rather protect my child with a Hail Mary and Bishop Byle’s solid advice, or consult someone with a background in medical science? Think hard on that, my child.

This so-called vaccine, unqualified qualified doctors say, is doing something with cancer and medicine and arms and so on, but everyone knows that’s a lie. When’s the last time a doctor saved anyone’s life? That’s God’s job. Doctors mostly just kill people for fun, which is also God’s job. I suppose the main thrust of this week’s debut column is stop taking God’s job.

Now, please burn the contents of this electronic article immediately after reading it, I couldn’t live with myself if this immoral and salacious information made its way into the eyeballs of young people. Your bodily desires disgust me.