Stormont Talks Deadline Extended To September 2079

WITH the failure to reach a consensus on power sharing, the British government has sensationally put yet another deadline in place in the hope the DUP and Sinn Féin can achieve an agreement, WWN can reveal.

The ambitious deadline is set for September 2079, and the clock already ticking, putting the prospect of direct rule from Westminster back on the table or just another empty threat of a deadline and consequences hanging overhead.

“The last deadline was a real deadline, even if we’re just extending out another deadline today, but mark my words, if an agreement isn’t reached within 62 years the government will be left with no choice but to make a decision of some sort,” confirmed Secretary of State James Brokenshire, who denies picking his surname out of the pages of The Hobbit.

The very serious crisis, which continues to stall Northern Irish politics means the onus is very much on Sinn Féin and the DUP to reach across the political aisle and find something to agree upon in the next 747 months or so.

“I think there’s a very real incentive here, put in place by the government; reach an agreement before September 2079 or pass away from old age and never know what other arbitrary deadline extensions we might have put in place,” Brokenshite confirmed.

Political commentators have praised the deadline extension as it will allow both parties in the North to fall out over marching season and Republican commemorations which are scheduled for the coming months without the distraction of actually running Northern Ireland.

“This deadline is a vote of confidence in the DUP and Sinn Féin that we believe in them, in their ability to agree on something before the 22nd century is up and running,” concluded Brokenshire.