Taoiseach Diverts €3bn Into Bioweapons Division


IRELAND’S bioweaponry arsenal is to receive a significant boost in the new year, after An Taoiseach Enda Kenny announced that the R&D division will get an extra €3 billion of taxpayers money in 2017.

Located in a secret underground complex somewhere outside Moate, the bioweapons division of the Irish army has yet to produce anything that could be used to turn enemies into zombies, let alone create terrifying human-animal hybrids that exist only to kill.

All that could change in the new year with the injection of fresh funds into the bioweapons coffers, meaning that it could just be a matter of time before Ireland has the ability to release an airborne pathogen in a foreign country, turning its citizens inside out and leaving survivors locked in a battle to the death with a disgusting race of mutants.

“It’s very exciting times indeed,” said Seamus O’Malley, chief spokesperson for Project Shillelagh.

“We’ve had the will to create the stuff of nightmares for years, but we haven’t had the funds. With these new weapons, Ireland will finally be able to create ghastly, unheard-of weapons, real sci-fi stuff. It’s only fair, everyone else is at it. Even Wales has a Chimera, for fuck sake”.

Government officials will be able to visit the bioweapons facility in May, with fingers crossed that no accident turns the tour into a terrifying fight for life against a vicious horde of hell beasts or whatever.