‘Scattering Of Paedophile Priests Fine Though’ – Vatican

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IN A bid to clear up any confusion about their latest ruling on the cremated remains of loved ones, the Vatican confirmed it is still alright to scatter paedophile priests wherever they want, but not ashes.

Yesterday the headquarters of the Roman Catholic Church urged followers not to scatter the ashes of the dead after cremation and instead to store them in places approved by the Church.

“We’ll make all the decisions on who and what goes where, thank you very much,” German cardinal Gerhard Ludwig Muller, the prefect of the doctrinal watchdog, told WWN, “Scattering the remains of loved ones on unholy ground will only ruin their chances of staying in heaven. But the scattering of peadophile priests is fine, though; when we’re doing it,” before adding, “Please leave all the important decisions on the welfare of others to us. We won’t let any of our worshipers down”.

The latest move comes just 53 years after the Vatican ‘legalised’ cremation, mirroring the amount of time it takes for the church to act on various different subjects, including child sex abuse.

“We don’t make decisions lightly here, so we like to take our time,” the Cardinal admitted, “But when we do, we like to make sure that they are the best decisions tailored for the financial gain of our multi-billion euro a year organisation”.

A two-page instruction issuing new rules on cremation also said that there were even some cases where a Christian funeral could be denied to those who request that ashes be scattered.

“There is absolutely no profit for us if someone gets cremated and spread over some field for free,” Muller pointed out, breathing on a 24 carrot ring on his hand before polishing it on his silk gown, “We offer an array of allotments across the world, and at a bargain price too. We’ll even throw in an annual mass and a few prayers graveside for any cremated relative wishing to be buried on sacred ground”.

Allotments can range anywhere between €5,000 to €19,000 for a family plot, with the church charging over €20,000 for extra holy burial slots.

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