“Can All The Migrants From The Countries We Invaded Go Away Now Please”

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BRITISH Prime Minister Theresa May has kindly asked for all the foreign migrants currently living in the United Kingdom to kindly ‘pick up their shit and leave’ at their earliest convenience.

In what has been hailed as her toughest address yet, the Conservative party leader listed out a torrent of Eurorail and airport departure timetables, in a bid to help those who ‘may not have left yet’.

“There’s a couple of planes headed to India at 6pm,” she pointed out, sifting through pages of printed out timetables, “The Euro tunnel would probably be your best bet though as it’s cheaper. Plus, you’ll be on mainland Europe within the hour and can easily just grab another train to wherever the hell it is you’re going. Please leave the keys of your homes under the matt or wheelie bin, I’m sure we’ll find them”.

This latest request comes just days after Mrs. May proposed UK companies to compile a ‘name-and-shame’ list of all their foreign employees, in the hope that it will force their hand into hiring British passport holders.

Closing her speech, the 60-year-old then turned to the country’s 6 million Irish workers, confirming that they too will have to look elsewhere for work, despite having similar skintone and hair colour.

“And that goes for you Paddies too,” she barked, now holding a crossed out Graham Norton postcard in her hand, “We don’t even rule Ireland anymore and ye’re still coming over here pestering people for jobs with your God awful slang and ridiculous accents. I hear Syria will be dishing out construction jobs soon, once the Americans and Russians are finished demolishing it. We’ll give ye a good reference”.

With that, the Prime Minister of England picked up the podium microphone, stared at the bemused crowd and dropped it, before walking off the stage to Dr. Dre’s 1992 gangsta rap song “Nuthin’ But a G Thang.”

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