“Are You My New Daddy?”

AS part of WWN Voices series, we give over some valuable column inches to normal, everyday individuals who should consider themselves lucky we did. Today is the turn of Mikey Mulhearnn, a 7-year-old son of one who wants to know if you are his new daddy:

Mam says you’re her new friend, but judging from the creaking I heard the bed doing last night you’re much more than that. Look, she’s my mam so obviously I’m going to think highly of her, she’s a saint, but if we’re being honest you’re not new daddy material, are you? The creaking lasted all of 2 minutes, and there was no round two. Now, I don’t want the details, but up your game, or she’ll be playing on another pitch, d’ya follow?

My complex Oedipal complex is only in its infancy, but I’ll fuck you up without hesitation if you don’t bring your A game to all this. I like when Mam is happy, and she’s been in great form before you came along so I’ll cling to her like a rash and make no qualms lying about how you sniff her knickers or some shit like that if you’re not putting in 100%.

This isn’t my first rodeo, even the most casual social media stalking indicates you’re a bit of a bellend. Now, hang on, just let me say my piece, then you can respond if you like; you are the one in my kitchen in your boxers munching on some toast after all. Is that marmalade? Mam bought that for me ‘specially, you prick! Did you not even ask before spreading it on? That’s about an inch thick on that slice, that marmalade is. Jesus, you’ve some neck.

You’ve sidetracked me now, I was in the middle of me spiel. Where was I…oh yeah, you haven’t deleted your Tinder yet pal, that’s the first mark against you. And also one of your pics is from at least 5 years ago, you’ve filled out a fair bit since then. And what’s this about being ‘sporty’? Lying on the couch watching Sky Sports doesn’t count.

Can I draw your attention to the following Facebook status from earlier this month ‘completely fucked. Think it might be an auld sick day at work tomorrow’. What sort of attitude is that? And you’re a manager in Carphone Warehouse, people rely on you. That says a lot about a man so it does. I’m looking for a role model here, and you’re stealing marmalade and calling in sick like it’s no big deal. The telecoms industry is getting very competitive and you’re taking it all a bit handy if you ask me, where’s the ambition? My Mam’s running her own business for Christ sake, you’ve hit the jackpot.

You brought over Tesco value wine last night as well, have a bit pride would ya? With a face like yours you really need to be buying an up market name brand wine, and bring some flowers you empty-headed sap.

I saved a draft message in your phone there with my birthday and various other important dates. I accept gift cards, but much prefer cash, it’s less messy that way. We’ll start me off on a retainer of… what, €400 a month. You can have ‘oh Mam, he’s the best’ for that. Like I said, she’s a saint, so it’s worth the investment, ‘Daddy’.