Jose Mourinho Selects Man United For His Next Long, Drawn Out Meltdown


WITH news emerging that Louis Van Gaal has been sacked by Manchester United less than 48 hours after winning the FA Cup, Jose Mourinho has all but confirmed the Manchester club as the location for his next overblown meltdown.

Mourinho’s infamous meltdowns, which occur once every three years, are long drawn out affairs and are immensely enjoyable for neutral fans of football.

The Portuguese manager’s insistence at dousing all his hard work in petrol before setting it alight for no apparent reason has been blamed on everything from the gravitational pull of the moon to Eden Hazard forgetting how to play football.

Mourinho has remained tight lipped so far on what seemingly inane incident will spark a slow and painful decline in his relationship with his new players and club, but it is believed it will be highly entertaining.

Manchester United CEO Ed Woodward’s search for a new manager proved exhaustive with a total of one candidate being considered.

“Once we got the DNA test results back, and he had the United way strand of DNA we knew Jose was a perfect fit,” explained Woodward.

“And Jose’s agent Jorge Mendes agreed to return my family unharmed once I’d sacked Van Gaal,” Woodward concluded before spending £20 million for a salad in the Old Trafford canteen.