Aries March 21 – April 19
This week you will violently assault a coworker for using your butter on their slice of toast. Your butter? On their toast? What sort of animal does that? The sort that, thanks to you, is now going to spend 3 months in hospital with their jaw wired shut.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Bad news or good news depending on the way you look at things, but you have received yet another restraining order from an ex, but silver lining is at 23, you now hold the Irish record for most restraining orders.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
This week you will mostly be practising your terrible poetry in anticipation of Valentine’s Day.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
A financial windfall is set to change your life forever. Following the tragic passing of your mother, your sister inherits everything turning you into a bitter and twisted individual.
Leo July 23 – August 22
No desire or thoughts are too crazy. Embrace your wants and needs – if you want a pet elephant who am I to suggest it will all end in tears.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
This week’s Virgo does not appear due to poor wifi reception.
Libra September 23 – October 22
This week you will soar like an eagle as you parachute through the skies, well ‘parachute’ is probably the wrong term since it actually fails on you. You’ve had a good run of things, though in fairness.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Fucking shite week altogether. You finally plucked up the courage to buy the Creme Egg to see if it had really changed, and now you have to go around pretending you can taste the difference.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
This week you will mostly be trying to thwart your arch nemesis as they continue to defy you at every turn. Why is Tommy, the 6-year-old next door so hell bent on kicking the ball into your back garden only to ring your doorbell asking for it back? Who knows, but he must be stopped no matter the cost.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
They just can’t help it, can they? Women are forever falling at your feet and screaming. This is your fourth post office armed robbery of the month and a great success, it is but it really isn’t the place to find ‘the one’. You may have to look elsewhere for love and do it without a sawn off shotgun in your hands.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Is your new gluten free diet finally the key to you unlocking happiness? Of course it fucking isn’t.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Vomiting in the toilets at 9.30am on a Monday after another weekend to forget? How you haven’t been fired is beyond me at this point. Oh wait, that’s right your self employed – carry on!