Tag: instant

Bruton And Coveney To Draw Straws For Health Minister Job

WWN can exclusively reveal that TDs Richard Bruton and Simon Coveney have begged on their knees in front of the Taoiseach to avoid the prospect of becoming the next Minister for Health. Often viewed as the worst ministerial portfolio on offer, many members of the current Government had preprepared a variety of excuses as to… Read more »

Cavan Man Heads To UK In Response To Sperm Shortage

FOLLOWING the publishing of new statistics which suggest the UK is suffering from a shortage of sperm donors, Cavan native Eoghan Hand has volunteered to emigrate to London to make up for the shortfall. The report from the British Fertility Society highlighted a drop in sperm donors since the 2005 abolition of the right to anonymity… Read more »

Local Criminal Gang Endorse O’Reilly Cigarette Price Hike

Representatives for the North-East’s most predominant crime syndicate have today given their full backing for Minister For Health James Reilly’s plan to increase the price of twenty cigarettes by over 100% to €20. The move by O’Reilly, the latest in his war against tobacco, is estimated to be worth an extra €275,000 per annum to… Read more »

‘Wet Willy’ Attacks Up By 30% So Far This Year

Parents up and down the country have expressed their worry at news that ‘wet willy’ attacks are on the rise for the first time in a number of years. Most worryingly for the media the ‘wet willy’ or Uda Mentula to give it its latin name occurs largely offline, making it more difficult to whip… Read more »

It’s The DWWNWCRU (Daily WWN World Cup Round Up)

WWN brings you all the latest action from the World Cup in Brazil. Last night saw the final group games take place and we now know the identity of the teams that have gone forward to the knock out stages, but much of the focus still remains of the cannibalistic tendencies of Luis Suarez. The… Read more »