Tag: instant

The Queen Growing Out Her Cocaine Nail

SETTING ASIDE a lifetime of trying to preserve Britain’s air of dignity, Queen Elizabeth II is finally dropping the repressed facade of impartial poise, grace and restraint in favour of growing out her coke nail. “The Union is disintegrating. C’mon, the fucking PM thinks he’s the King and can force through a no-deal Brexit even… Read more »

Local Man Still Uneasy In Fanny Pad Aisle

DURING one of his ongoing therapy sessions, Waterford native Ulick Whelan has opened up about how he still gets a little restless and ‘icked out’ if he has to pass through the female sanitary product section of a supermarket while grocery shopping. Having already disclosed his uneasiness when passing the bra section of a Penneys… Read more »

Where Are They Now: Seamus Bin Laden

IF ever there was a family that couldn’t catch a break, it’s the Bin Ladens. Following the death of patriarch Osama in 2011, the news arrived this week that his son Hamza has also died. Attention now turns to the rest of the grieving Bin Laden family as well as reigniting the question about what… Read more »

“Oh Please Not More Tarrifs, You’re Really Tickling Us” – Xi Jinping

CHINESE President Xi Jinping has called on the United States to stop imposing new tarrifs on all Chinese goods, stating that it’s starting to tickle the nation and making everyone laugh. Chuckling to himself at an official press conference, the 66-year-old general secretary of the Communist Party of China struggled to hold back tears of laughter as… Read more »