Tag: instant

Taoiseach ‘Surprised’ To Hear He Has The Competence Level Of A Paraplegic Sloth

LEO Varadkar may be Taoiseach, but a new report into his current level of capabilities shows that he has the competence level of a paraplegic sloth, WWN can confirm. The Taoiseach was one of several high-profile politicians who had their competence levels calculated as part of RTÉ’s flagship health show ‘Operation Politician’, with Minister for Health Simon Harris,… Read more »

“We Have Standards Here” Satan Distances Himself From Brexiteers

THE instigators of Brexit are not welcome in hell due to moral standards laid out by its ruler in a rare but concise statement from the Dark Lord of the underworld. Satan, also known as the Devil, confirmed that there was “absolutely no chance” politicians like Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson, David Davis, Theresa May or any of those responsible for Brexit… Read more »

Magic Mushrooms Could Solve Brexit, Claim Desperate UK Scientists

IN A last ditch effort to avert one of Britain’s biggest financial catastrophes, University of Oxford scientists have published a one page report claiming that psilocybin mushrooms could help heal damaged brain cells in the brains of Brexiteers. The report, which just simply stated ‘magic mushrooms could solve Brexit’, was published at 10am this morning by a team… Read more »

“Fuck The Nurses,” Clarifies Government

REMOVING any ambiguity from recent comments made in public, to the Dáil, in the media and said privately when they think no one is listening, the Government have helpfully clarified for the public ‘fuck the nurses’, WWN can reveal. As separate strike actions from midwives and psychiatric nurses remain ongoing, the government has tried to… Read more »

Farmers Field: Thai Green Chicken Slurry Recipe

WITH the stretch in the evenings officially being upgraded to grand, it is now the perfect time to experiment with your cooking skills in the hopes of finally putting a smile on your family’s sullen and downtrodden faces. Every farmer knows that the second daily dinner is probably the most important meal of the day, so why not park the… Read more »

New Girl No Craic

THE votes are in; the new female hire at a Waterford office has been found to be ‘zero craic’ by her male co-workers, who have found her to be a poor replacement for the girl who just left, who you could at least talk to. The naturally shy Carrie Whelan was brought round and introduced to her… Read more »