Tag: instant

Well That’s Just Fucking Marvelous, Says Foetus

“WELL, that’s me fucked isn’t it,” sobbed a Waterford foetus this morning, upon hearing that the Citizens Assembly has voted to recommend changing Ireland’s strict anti-abortion policy, with a referendum on the subject all but guaranteed at this stage. “Unrestricted access to abortion up to a gestational age of 12 weeks? I may as well… Read more »

Stoner Begins 420 Celebration

WATERFORD cannabis enthusiast Mark Gerihan is today celebrating 420, also known as Stoner’s Christmas, and has posted his largely cannabis-related itinerary for the day on Facebook. The 20th of April, or ‘4/20’ as it is written in the American calendar, became known in the cannabis community as a day of celebration after legendary tales of… Read more »

Maternity Hospital Will Respect Rights Of The Mother ‘If She’s Married’, Confirms Spokesnun

THE Sisters of Charity have confirmed that the new €300 million national maternity hospital will always respect the rights of the mother and the baby, “as long as she’s married”, a spokesnun told WWN today. Sister Gertrude Dingleberry, a member of one of 18 religious orders that were included in the €1.5 billion redress scheme with the State… Read more »

Iggy Pop Turns 70, Somehow

SCIENTISTS and medical practitioners around the world are today expressing bafflement and confusion at the news that hard-living rock legend Iggy Pop has somehow reached the age of 70. Pop, born Ignert Poppertin on April 21st 1947, has been in the public eye since his breakthrough as frontman for legendary hellraisers The Stooges followed by… Read more »

Marine Le Pen Praises Allah For Attack In Paris

NATIONAL FRONT leader and French presidential candidate Marine Le Pen turned towards Mecca to praise Allah following news of a terrorist attack carried out by a man known to police in Paris which resulted in the death of one police officer. “Perfect timing,” Le Pen remarked in a quiet, gleeful moment to herself when she… Read more »