Tag: featured

McGuinness Said To Be ‘Grasping At Straws’ As Dana’s Car Tyre ‘Blows Out’ On Motorway

SINN FEIN presidential candidate Martin McGuinness was said to be ‘grasping at straws’ today after news that Independent presidential candidate Dana Rosemary Scallon’s car suffered a suspicious tyre blowout on a motorway. Ms Scallon was asleep in the back seat when the car her husband was driving drove over hundreds of carefully placed stainless steel… Read more »

Gallagher Campaign In Jeopardy After Pitbull Terrier Claims To Be Biological Mother

PRESIDENTIAL candidate Sean Gallagher was not available for comment today after a purebred Pitbull Terrier bitch claimed she was his biological mother. The revelations came after an exclusive interview with the bitch yesterday afternoon. ‘Snowy’ told WWN she was Gallaghers long lost biological mother and that she has been trying to get in contact with him for… Read more »

Estonians Celebrate After Drawing Ireland In Euro 2012 Play-Off

THOUSANDS of Estonian football fans swarmed the streets of Tallinn in celebration of the Euro 2012 play-off draw against Ireland,  which was announced in The Sheraton Hotel, Krakow yesterday afternoon. People young and old were said to be dancing and chanting football related slogans in the capitals main square around 6pm. Manager Tarmo Ruutli said “We are all just… Read more »

Off-The Book Workers Better Off Also Claiming Dole

OFF-THE-BOOK workers would be financially better off also claiming the dole because of the range of benefits available to the unemployed, a leading money advisor has revealed today. An analysis by Ballybeg economist Bernard Heefy shows that a person working 40 hours a week – off-the-books –  could get anything between €250-€400 a week and… Read more »

450 UN Peacekeepers Sent To Templars Hall

THE United Nations is to send 450 peacekeeping troops to Templars Hall after 45 residents were insulted and hundreds more kept awake in a renewed stand off between students and natives across the housing estate. According to sources inside the compound, the house parties are believed to be the noisiest since freshers week. Some home… Read more »

All Presidential Candidates Bow Out After Realising Being President ‘Doesn’t Matter A Fuck’

AFTER a dramatic presidential debate on TV3 last night, all seven candidates decided to bow out of the race after realising the position ‘doesn’t matter a fuck’ to the Irish people. The shock joint decision was decided unanimously following a gruelling television debate, which saw veteran journalist Vincent Browne heckle the candidates for 90 minutes in what could only be… Read more »

Ireland Flees To Gulf Of Mexico With European Bail Out Funds

INTERPOL has launched an investigation after the island of Ireland fled the west coast of Europe yesterday evening shortly after receiving a ‘considerable sum’ of money from the European Central Bank (ECB). Formed by large glaciers and a very harsh climate more than 10 thousand years ago, Ireland is the third largest island in Europe and the… Read more »