Category: WORLD NEWS

Cavan Man Heads To UK In Response To Sperm Shortage

FOLLOWING the publishing of new statistics which suggest the UK is suffering from a shortage of sperm donors, Cavan native Eoghan Hand has volunteered to emigrate to London to make up for the shortfall. The report from the British Fertility Society highlighted a drop in sperm donors since the 2005 abolition of the right to anonymity… Read more »

God Was ‘Unaware’ Of Church Sex Abuse Scandals, Claims Vatican

THE VATICAN last night dismissed suggestions that the God our father had any knowledge of sexual abuse scandals committed by 4,392 Catholic priests over the past 60 years. A spokesperson for the Vatican denied that God, 84tn-years-old, knew about the ongoing molestations prior to the first reported case twenty five years ago. The supernatural creator… Read more »

Prince Philip Celebrates Birthday With ‘Blackface’ Party

The entire United Kingdom was heard to utter ‘shit-bugger-arse-tits’ upon learning that the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip is choosing to celebrate his 93rd birthday with a ‘simply darling’ evening’s entertainment involving performers in ‘blackface’. While Prince Philip is believed to have acquiesced to requests that he duct tape his mouth shut while in conversation… Read more »