INTELLIGENCE agency, MI5, said yesterdays beheading of a British soldier in central London took Islamic terrorists 12 years to orchestrate at a cost of £5.2 billion.

The two attackers were believed to have trained with knives in a local butchers, raising questions into how they managed to go unnoticed for so many years.

“We believe one of the men entered the UK through his mothers womb.” said special detective Harold Cross.

Sources believe the sleeper cell posed as UK residents all through their childhood, and would have spoke and acted like everyday citizens.

“They were obviously trained in the womb before being born.” said one MI5 agent. “These men were very crafty indeed.”

The British secret service said the terrorists first started planning the attack when their victim was only 8 years of age.

“They probably followed him and knew his daily routine inside out before eventually carrying out the terrorist attack.” stated the agency earlier.

It is also believe the attack was funded by several large Islamic terrorist organisations and MI5 estimate it cost $5.2 billion to orchestrate.

“This is probably one of the most sophisticated attacks we have seen on our country to date.” said a spokesman.

British prime minister David Cameron raised the question of baby monitoring in parliament earlier, insisting a new screening program for pregnant Islamic women be called into place.

“It is our duty as a nation to nip terrorism in the bud.” he said. “We need to introduce some form of a surveillance system for home grown Islamic extremists.”

Meanwhile, 40 people were blown to smithereens in Iraq. But who gives a fuck about them anyway?

THE VATICAN has described the proposed abortion legislation published by the Irish Government this week to be “morally unacceptable, unless its covered up properly”.

In a statement issued today, the head-quarters of the Catholic church said the killing of an unborn child was an ‘unlawful act’ and should be kept a close secret if the  Protection of Life during Pregnancy Bill 2013, is to go through.

“Whether you’re killing a child or abusing it; it needs to be hidden from the mainstream media.” the statement said. “From our experience, publicly glorifying such a thing leads to complications.”

The Catholic bishops had earlier branded the proposed changes to Ireland’s strict abortion regime as amateurish and urged the Irish Government to take a leaf out of their book.

The church hierarchy said the deliberate decision to deprive a human being of life is always morally wrong, if not kept a closely guarded secret.

Irish Cardinal Sean Brady said the bishops have not discussed whether people who advocate support for the legislation should be tarred and feathered upon entering church grounds, and proposed giving unwanted children to the church to mind.

“If a mother doesn’t want her child, then give it to their local Catholic priest to mind” he told WWN earlier. “We’ll take good care of any child that comes to the house of God and take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.

“Amen.” he added.

MILLIONS of Internet Meme condolence have begun pouring in following the death of Margaret Thatcher today.

Baroness Thatcher finally passed away early this morning at the age of 87 following a battle with absolutly everyone.

Among those paying tribute this afternoon was Internet meme creator Thomas Cahil from Lucan county Dublin, who admitted he is struggling to come up with a witty punchline for the former prime ministers picture .

“Everytime I think of something funny to write; I see it has already being used by someone else.” he said. “This could be a long day for meme creators and satirists.”

Thatcher, who led the British government between 1979 and 1990, suffered a stroke and died very peacefully this morning, her spokesman Lord Bell said.

“Unfortunately she didn’t feel a thing.” said Bell. “Not even an agonising scream.”

“I tried kidney-punching her, but she had already passed.”

The former Conservative leader is expected to join predecessors like Stalin, Mussolini and Hitler in the world history books, and will be always remembered for what she did to her country.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny said earlier that a book of Internet Meme condolences will be available on the governments website later today.

In a 30 minute speech aired live from the oval office in the white house, Mr. Obama called out the 30 year old on the size of his penis and teased him saying: “You Asians got nothing under the hood. If you wanna play with the big boys then you have got to show your weapon.”

The leader of the free world then proceeded to undo his trousers and gesture a ‘zip and lob’ technique which, as he later explained, was an age old term for whipping it out.

Earlier this evening the Pentagon said it was sending several pictures of the president ‘threatening to take it out’ to a North Korea’s base in Pyongyang.

US Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel believes the move will either ‘make or break’ relations between the two sides.

“Its difficult to say how Mr. Jong Un will take the gesture.” he said. “He will either back down or whip it out.”

Experts say the North Korean leader will lose the ‘cock off’ if he does take up the challenge.

Dr Phillip Shapiro – a racial penis professor in Harvard University – told WWN that the average Asian penis is 3-5 inches in length  whereas the African America penis can range between 4-10 inches in length, depending on height.

“Mr Obama is just over 6 foot in height and we estimate his penis length to be in the range of 8-9 inches.” said the penis expert.

“Unless Kim Jong Un gets some kind of enlargement surgery, I don’t think there will be any further talks of nuclear war from pencil dick.” he added.

US DEFENSE Secretary Leon Panetta warned today that North Korea is becoming increasingly hilarious and represented a substantial threat to the seriousness of global conflict.

The comment came following news that the Democratic People’s Republic threatened the United States with a preemptive nuclear strike earlier.

“They are making a mockery out of cold wars!” said Mr. Panetta. “Threatening the United States with a nuclear attack has got to be the funniest God damn thing I have ever heard.

“They can’t even build a rocket that flies for Christ sake!”

Supreme leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, accused the United States of using military drills in South Korea as a launch pad for a nuclear war and defended last years alleged rocket failure, stating: “It was meant to disintegrate over the Yellow sea anyway – to keep its superior technology a state secret from the hands of the American military.”

Meanwhile, Foreign secretary Hillary Clinton admitted at a pentagon press conference earlier that her decision to send basketball superstar Dennis Rodman to broker a peace deal was ‘not one of her better moves’.

“I think we should have stuck to our original plan to send Ronald McDonald over.” she said. “We sent the child the wrong clown and now he’s pissed.”

THE VATICAN’S chief toilet attendant revealed today that newly appointed Pope Francis the first still insists on wiping his own arse after using the lavatory.

Cardinal Rodrigo Gonzalez believes the papal refusal for assisted anus cleansing is an early sign that times at the Roman Catholic Church may be changing.

“The Holy Father stopped me midway insisting I leave the bathroom immediately and find someone else who needs their holes wiped.” the cardinal told WWN earlier.

Pope Francis followed the humble gesture with a lengthy sermon, imploring the church to wipe its own ass and urged clerics to attend to the the asses of the poor instead.

FINAL preparations are taking place today in Fukushima, Japan, for St. Patrick’s Day, where residents have ‘gone green’ to mark the event.

Keeping with tradition — alongside the Niagara Falls, the TV tower in Berlin’s Alexanderplatz, the London Eye and Table Mountain in South Africa – Fukushima mayor, Sum Yung Guy, said locals have ‘greened up’ for the second year in a row.

“Everyone in Fukushima has just gone green.” he told Waterford Whispers News earlier. “Their skin is green. Their eyes are green. Everything is green!”

Tourism Ireland said the ‘over the top celebrations’ in Fukushima were probably part of the boards successful promotional drive to grow overseas tourism, and not some ill side effect from the 2011 nuclear disaster.

“Its great to see people as far away as Japan going all out by colouring their bodies green for Saint Patricks day.” said Niall Gibbons, Tourism Irelands chief executive. “They have obviously seen one of our many advertising campaigns to ‘green up’ for Paddies day.”

However, Japan state media reported the residents have been green for quite some time and suggested that many residents may be in need of serious medical attention.

Tourism Minister Leo Varadkar responded by saying: “Whatever the case may be, there will be some sick heads all round this Sunday in Fukushima!”

POPE Benedict XVI told the world press today that he just can’t wait to ‘open a nice bottle of bourbon and fuck some Asian bitches’ once he retires at the end of the month.

The 85-year-old confirmed that he will step down at 7pm Irish time on 28 February for health reasons.

“There comes a time in a pontiffs life when he just has to say ‘fuck it, lets score some God damn pussy’.” he said. “I’ve been fairly celebrate for like ages now and a trip to Thailand is in order.”

Sources say the papacy will be vacant until a successor is chosen.

A Vatican spokesperson said the pope was starting to “moan a lot about not being able to get some ass”.

“Ever since he began using the internet he has being going on and on about horny Japanese sluts.” said one official. “He has run up numerous credit card subscription bills for Asian porn sites.”

Pope Benedict said he will probably fly straight to south east Asia on the 28th of February, making his way to some of the regions  hottest sex tourist destinations.

“Pattaya is first on my list.” he said in a announcement in Latin at a canonisation ceremony in the Consistory Hall this morning. ”Then i’ll go straight to one of them go-go bars and order a 14 year old……………bottle of bourbon.”

The Vatican said the Pope’s resignation from the church is fully in compliance with law but raised concerns over his planned visit overseas.

THE CHINESE worker at the centre of a US outsourcing scandal has also admitted today that he too has outsourced the job — to a software developer in India.

The news comes just one day after a software developer known only as “Bob”, was fired for outsourcing his duties to the Chinese man so that he could spend the day surfing the internet.

Chang Mau said he was contracted last year by the American programmer to work full time from his home.

However Mr.Mau admits the work-load was just too much for him and also decided to outsource the job to a free-lance programmer in India.

“The money was good so I decided I could just out-source the job and live comfortably.” said the 34-year-old father of one.

It is not known whether the buck stopped there.

Sources close to the Indian software programmer claim he has been living the high-life since acquiring the position, and rarely seems to be working. Suggesting he too maybe has outsourced the job to another party.

Verizon, the American based company who originally contracted the job, were not available for comment this afternoon.

Yesterday, a spokesperson for the company said it was still investigating just how far down the line the job actually went, with some rumours pointing to trained  chimpanzees as the final rung in the ladder.

A MALIGNANT tumour is expected to leave hospital later today after a successful removal of a Margaret Thatcher, sources said last night.

The four-month-old growth was admitted last week to have the operation.

Doctors said the tumour was doing well and should be fit to leave hospital shortly after lunch time to “convalesce privately.”

Tests will now be carried out to discover whether the Thatcher was aggressive or superficial.

Shortly after it’s admission for surgery thousands of celebrities tweeted supportive messages online, saying they wished the tumour a “speedy recovery”.

Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams expressed deep concern for the lesion’s welfare and was critical of the doctors decision to remove the Thatcher so suddenly.

“Little is known about the operations side-effects.” he said. “I think they should have left the tumour fester, until more tests were carried out of course.”

Sources say the 145lb Thatcher – the biggest of its kind ever recorded in Europe – was removed after a four hour operation in an undisclosed Central London hospital on Friday afternoon.

It is expected the medical anomaly will be put on public display for at least another few years, before it decays completely.