Category: LOCAL NEWS

Scientists No Closer To Eradicating Bumfluff

SCIENTISTS have apologised to the public for failing to find a way to effectively bring an end to the existence of bumfluff, that strain of pathetic facial hair which men occasionally allow to grow on their faces despite being aware of how ludicrous it looks. Bumfluff, grown by men incapable of growing proper beards, is… Read more »

Black & Tans Finally Come Out To Fight

THE remaining members of the notorious 1919 Royal Irish Constabulary Special Reserve have finally stepped up to the challenge of unarmed combat after decades of being goaded in song to ‘come out and fight like men’. The RICSR, better known as the ‘Black And Tans’, wreaked havoc when they were brought to Ireland to help… Read more »

Coworker Putting Tuna Sandwich In Microwave Reported To HR

THE HR department of Henning & Thurrows LTD has received a record number of complaints about one employee following his decision to reheat a tuna sandwich in the staff kitchen microwave, WWN can confirm. Whistling while making his way into the kitchen, Mark Kingston (28), unwrapped his homemade tuna, mayo, sweetcorn and other horrible foodstuffs… Read more »

Inquiry Into Loss Of Garda Machine Gun To Cost €4bn

AN inquiry into an incident yesterday afternoon which saw the temporary loss of an official garda firearm is expected to last 38 months and cost the taxpayer €4 billion, WWN can reveal. It is understood a sub-machine gun with ammunition, which was in an official carrier bag, fell out of an emergency response unit vehicle after it went over a ramp… Read more »