Category: LOCAL NEWS

Sticks & Stones To Face Ban Under New Internet Safety Bill

A NEW cyberbullying bill put before the Seanad by Senator Lorraine Higgins will attempt to ban forms of name calling as well as the historically harmful sticks and stones. Despite generations old protestations from the public that names will never hurt them, Higgins has been at the forefront of criminalising such barbed communications following her… Read more »

Weirdo Sitting Alone In Cafe Not Even On His Phone

A COMPLETE weirdo sitting at a table in a local cafe hasn’t once checked his phone, despite being there for almost ten minutes now. Staff at Charlie’s Coffee Pot in Waterford expressed concern shortly after the young gentlemen sat down at table 12, on his own, and proceeded to stare vacantly into space: as if… Read more »

Country Asks Nordies To Keep It Down Up There

THE 26 counties which comprise the Republic of Ireland have today begun banging on the ceiling of the country with a broom, in a bid to let their upstairs neighbours in Northern Ireland know that the noise level is getting on the loud side again. The symbolic gesture was coupled with a message to the… Read more »

Thousands Of Irish People Killed With The Heat

A NATIONAL day of mourning has been announced by the government following the highest number of people killed with the heat in recent memory. The heat-related death toll has reached 4,000 since the beginning of the summer, with the middle-aged and elderly being the worst hit. No county in Ireland has escaped the crisis, with… Read more »

Man Makes Strong Case For Midweek Pints

DUBLIN man Shane Cassidy has put to his wife a well-rounded, compelling argument as to why he should go for a few pints in his local tonight, despite the fact that it’s only Wednesday. Citing three days at work which have been “pure bastards”, Cassidy attempted to convince his wife Shireen that he deserved at… Read more »

Dublin Man At Bloomsday Pretending He Read Ulysses

DUBLIN man Simon Brady has made every effort to partake in a number of Bloomsday events while explaining to people how wonderful the book Ulysses is, despite having never read it. “My favourite bit? Oh the stream of consciousness bit,” Simon told fellow attendees at an event to mark the life and work of James… Read more »