Category: POLITICS

US Firm To Create Fuck All Jobs In Waterford Over Next Five Years

A WORLD-leading electronics manufacturer is to create fuck all jobs in Waterford over the next five years, it announced today. The company, which is based in Atlanta, already employs over 5,000 people and is anticipated to quadruple in size by 2017, but will never expand its factory operations to Waterford, ever. The company’s Chief Operations Officer, Mark Lawson, said… Read more »

“We Just Couldn’t Be Arsed Anymore” Admits Government

THE Irish Government admitted at a press conference in Dublin today that it ‘just couldn’t be arsed’ trying to negotiate EU bail out terms  or even running the country anymore. Taoiseach Enda Kenny, who was joined by finance minister Michael Noonan, told journalists in Government buildings that neither Fine Gael or the Labour party are going to… Read more »

Mick Wallace To Use leader’s Allowance To Research lodging Money Into Mick Wallace Bank Account

INDEPENDENT TD Mick Wallace has defended his acceptance of the ‘Leader’s Allowance’ given to Independent TDs in the Dáil, saying he will only use it for research on how to lodge money into Mick Wallace bank accounts. In a strongly-worded statement on his official government platform –  Facebook, Wallace said he needs to learn for himself how… Read more »

“Those Crusty Irish Bastards Really Got Us By The Balls Now!” Admits Shell CEO

SHELL CEO Peter Voser admitted today that the shell-to-sea protesters have really got the multinational oil and gas company by the balls after a truck carrying drilling equipment for the Corrib project got stuck on a road yesterday. The worlds largest oil company was said to be on the verge of collapse following the incident, according to demonstrators at the scene. Mr. Voser… Read more »

Vatican Strikes D’Arcy Family Name From Church Register

THE VATICAN have announced today that anyone with the family name ‘D’Arcy’ will be stricken from all Catholic church records until further notice. Speaking from his safe-house in Rome today,  Pope Benedict BMW X5 said that the decision to ban the name from the register came after numerous attempts to silence both the Irish broadcaster, Ray Darcy, and… Read more »

‘My Work Here Is Done’ Says Fornication TD Before Dramatically Ascending Back Into Heaven

FINE GAEL TD Michelle Mulherin dramatically ascended back into heaven this morning in front of hundreds of spectators claiming that her ‘work here was done’. The single forty-year-old explained to mere mortals yesterday that sex between an unmarried  male and a female was the biggest cause of unwanted pregnancy in Ireland. She caused heated debate with her use of… Read more »