Category: POLITICS

Berlusconi Stands Down After Being Offered Virgin Island Retirement Home

ITALIAN Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced his decision today to stand down from leadership after striking a ‘Virgin Island Retirement home’ deal with parliament. The 75-year-old will be flown to the Caribbean early next week where he will live out the rest of his days in the height of luxury. Berlusconi told the countries president, Giorgio Napolitano, on… Read more »

Cowen’s Dáil Bar Tab Was Paid Just Hours Before €3.6bn ‘Accounting Error’ Was Announced

EX-TAOISEACH Brian Cowen is reported to have paid an ‘undisclosed’ sum towards his Dail bar tab just hours before the announcement of a €3.6bn ‘accounting error’ yesterday, leading to speculation on the actual source of the countries new found windfall. Mid-ranking officials in the Department of Finance reported the discrepancy yesterday morning, stating it was an in-house mistake… Read more »

Confused Irish Citizen Votes ‘No’ To Presidency

A VERY confused Irish citizen has voted ‘No’ in this years Presidential election today. Terry Power (32) left the polling station early this morning after he was asked to vote on two referendums and one presidential election, all in one day. “I don’t know ta fuck! I just voted ‘No’ to everything.” said the part… Read more »

Off-The Book Workers Better Off Also Claiming Dole

OFF-THE-BOOK workers would be financially better off also claiming the dole because of the range of benefits available to the unemployed, a leading money advisor has revealed today. An analysis by Ballybeg economist Bernard Heefy shows that a person working 40 hours a week – off-the-books –  could get anything between €250-€400 a week and… Read more »

Bewildered Ahern Struggling To Acquire ‘Cash Donations’ From ‘Friends’ To Help Pay Tribunal Legal Bills

BERTIE AHERN is finding it increasingly difficult to get cash donations from business friends to help pay his €500k Mahan tribunal legal bill, a source close to the former Taoiseach said today. The €150,000 a year ‘retiree scumfuck who oversaw the total annihilation of the entire Irish property market’ is said to have exhausted all… Read more »

Gardai Start New Roll-Out Of ‘Heavy-Set Culchies’

A new Garda plan to deploy a team of over-weight country men and women to deal with critical incidents is being implemented this week. The ‘culchie units’ are being established in the nations capital and will act as a front line for the force in the fight against violent crime in the city. The units,… Read more »

Banks escape with €73bn after “Celtic Tiger Kidnap” ordeal

EUROPEAN Union authorities are flabbergasted at a “tiger kidnapping” in which the Irish government handed over €73bn to a criminal gang of bankers. The spineless crooks had forced defenceless politicians to give them a vast amount of money while holding numerous developments and businesses hostage. In this bizarre incident, finance minister Brian lenihan, was ordered… Read more »