Category: POLITICS

Vatican Strikes D’Arcy Family Name From Church Register

THE VATICAN have announced today that anyone with the family name ‘D’Arcy’ will be stricken from all Catholic church records until further notice. Speaking from his safe-house in Rome today,  Pope Benedict BMW X5 said that the decision to ban the name from the register came after numerous attempts to silence both the Irish broadcaster, Ray Darcy, and… Read more »

‘My Work Here Is Done’ Says Fornication TD Before Dramatically Ascending Back Into Heaven

FINE GAEL TD Michelle Mulherin dramatically ascended back into heaven this morning in front of hundreds of spectators claiming that her ‘work here was done’. The single forty-year-old explained to mere mortals yesterday that sex between an unmarried  male and a female was the biggest cause of unwanted pregnancy in Ireland. She caused heated debate with her use of… Read more »

Government: New Water Meters To Include ‘Draw Something’ App For First Million Customers

THE GOVERNMENT announced today that all new water meters will include a ‘draw something’ app for the first one million lucky customers. Taoiseach Enda Kenny unveiled a prototype version of the new water measuring device this afternoon which has a circular 5 inch touch-screen display unit mounted on its head. The free gaming application will work in conjunction with the meters main goal… Read more »

Government Facing Shortage Of New Tax Ideas To Piss People Off With

THE GOVERNMENT announced today that it is now facing a shortage of new tax ideas to piss people off with. Ministerial departments converged in a crisis meeting yesterday evening after shocking figures were released on how many home-owners actually paid the household charge. Environment minister Phil Hogan told WWN today that the household charge was the governments… Read more »

Fuel Prices Set To Soar After ‘Something Really Complicated Happened Somewhere Foreign Or Something’ , Say Distributors

FUEL prices are set to soar even higher this month after ‘something really complicated happened somewhere foreign or something’ say distributors. Four of the major producers of petroleum based fuels in the UK and Ireland claim that the hugely complex turn of events has left them with no choice but to push pump prices up another 10… Read more »

Minister For Justice Seeks Death Penalty For Home Invasions

THE Minister for Justice, Alan Shatter, has said he will pass a mandatory death penalty sentence for burglars and trespassers who continue to break the law and steal from peoples homes. The dramatic decision was proposed late last night by the minister from a hotel bar in Australia – where he attended St Patrick’s Day festivities at the week-end. Mr Shatter claimed the… Read more »