Category: POLITICS

‘My Work Here Is Done’ Says Fornication TD Before Dramatically Ascending Back Into Heaven

FINE GAEL TD Michelle Mulherin dramatically ascended back into heaven this morning in front of hundreds of spectators claiming that her ‘work here was done’. The single forty-year-old explained to mere mortals yesterday that sex between an unmarried  male and a female was the biggest cause of unwanted pregnancy in Ireland. She caused heated debate with her use of… Read more »

Government: New Water Meters To Include ‘Draw Something’ App For First Million Customers

THE GOVERNMENT announced today that all new water meters will include a ‘draw something’ app for the first one million lucky customers. Taoiseach Enda Kenny unveiled a prototype version of the new water measuring device this afternoon which has a circular 5 inch touch-screen display unit mounted on its head. The free gaming application will work in conjunction with the meters main goal… Read more »

Government Facing Shortage Of New Tax Ideas To Piss People Off With

THE GOVERNMENT announced today that it is now facing a shortage of new tax ideas to piss people off with. Ministerial departments converged in a crisis meeting yesterday evening after shocking figures were released on how many home-owners actually paid the household charge. Environment minister Phil Hogan told WWN today that the household charge was the governments… Read more »

Fuel Prices Set To Soar After ‘Something Really Complicated Happened Somewhere Foreign Or Something’ , Say Distributors

FUEL prices are set to soar even higher this month after ‘something really complicated happened somewhere foreign or something’ say distributors. Four of the major producers of petroleum based fuels in the UK and Ireland claim that the hugely complex turn of events has left them with no choice but to push pump prices up another 10… Read more »

Minister For Justice Seeks Death Penalty For Home Invasions

THE Minister for Justice, Alan Shatter, has said he will pass a mandatory death penalty sentence for burglars and trespassers who continue to break the law and steal from peoples homes. The dramatic decision was proposed late last night by the minister from a hotel bar in Australia – where he attended St Patrick’s Day festivities at the week-end. Mr Shatter claimed the… Read more »

Ian Paisley Returns Home As Heaven Nor Hell Wants Him

THE Reverend and Right Honourable Ian Paisley has returned home today after being refused access to both heaven and hell, a spokeperson for the the former Northern Ireland First Minister said this morning. The 85-year-old was due to ‘move on’  last month but was turned down by the Kingdom of Heaven shortly after his heart failed. An angel source claims Mr…. Read more »

Unemployed Must ‘Pretend’ To Look For Jobs, Says Burton

THE Minister for Social Protection, Joan Burton, has warned today that the long term unemployed must now ‘pretend’ to look for jobs or they will be ‘threatened’ with losing their benefits for ever and ever. Pretending to look for Work, launched by Taoiseach Enda Kenny, Tanaiste Eamon Gilmore and Joan Burton, aims to get thousands of unemployed people falsifying documents and editing… Read more »

Iran ‘Planning’ To Sneak Into Western Homes And Eat Babies While Parents Sleep

AMERICA’S leading intelligence official, James Clapper, warned today that Iran is planning to eat western babies while unsuspecting parents are asleep in their nice, cosy beds. The US director of national intelligence said Iranian special forces, who are hiding all over the world, were plotting to eat random babies in a sick and evil operation code… Read more »

New Waterboarding Technique Does Not Work On Dead People, Claim US Troops

THE US government have confirmed today that a new waterboarding technique initiated by troops in Afghanistan has failed in its goal to extract vital information from dead Taliban fighters. Military officials reported the practice of ‘Urine-boarding’ has now been canned in favour of  reliable and more traditional methods like lancing and stake burning. The unorthodox form of interrogation… Read more »