Category: HEALTH

Tumour Expected To Leave Hospital After Margaret Thatcher Removal

A MALIGNANT tumour is expected to leave hospital later today after a successful removal of a Margaret Thatcher, sources said last night. The four-month-old growth was admitted last week to have the operation. Doctors said the tumour was doing well and should be fit to leave hospital shortly after lunch time to “convalesce privately.” Tests will now be carried… Read more »

Drinking Coffee Makes You Live Longer Until We Change Our Minds Again, Say Researchers

PEOPLE who drink coffee live longer than non-drinkers, but researchers may change their minds again next week, a special report into the hot drink claimed today. Scientists found that compared with people who did not drink coffee, subjects who consumed large amounts of coffee were definitely living longer than the other ones they looked at a while… Read more »

Vatican Strikes D’Arcy Family Name From Church Register

THE VATICAN have announced today that anyone with the family name ‘D’Arcy’ will be stricken from all Catholic church records until further notice. Speaking from his safe-house in Rome today,  Pope Benedict BMW X5 said that the decision to ban the name from the register came after numerous attempts to silence both the Irish broadcaster, Ray Darcy, and… Read more »

‘My Only Regret Is Not Featuring In An Internet Viral Video Campaign’, Says Dying Mugabe

ZIMBABWEAN dictator Robert Mugabe told family members and friends last night that his only regret was never featuring in an internet viral video campaign like ‘Kony 2012’. The cancer stricken leader flew to Singapore by private jet on Saturday for treatment, but took a turn for the best and is said to be suffering excruciating pain in his final… Read more »

Bad Behaviour In Kids Linked To Being ‘Spoilt little Shits’, Finds Study

CHILDREN who show the early signs of bad behaviour are said to be directly linked to being ‘spoiled little shits’, new research suggests today. In contrast, children who were not ‘spoilt rotten’ by their parents and extended family were less likely to create publicly embarrassing situations during childhood. It suggests that the traditional notion of ‘discipline’… Read more »

Zoo Panda’s Finally Mate After Introduction Of Samantha Brick Mask

A pair of Chinese pandas at Edinburgh Zoo have finally mated after a Samantha Brick mask was placed on the female bears face. Tian Tian and Yang Guang will hopefully have babies this year thanks to a card board cut out of the beautiful woman’s face, Edinburgh Zoo’s press officer told WWN today. The successful attempt to mate followed other attempts on Tuesday and Wednesday were it seemed the male panda had no interest in the ordinary looking female…. Read more »