New Waterboarding Technique Does Not Work On Dead People, Claim US Troops

THE US government have confirmed today that a new waterboarding technique initiated by troops in Afghanistan has failed in its goal to extract vital information from dead Taliban fighters. Military officials reported the practice of ‘Urine-boarding’ has now been canned in favour of  reliable and more traditional methods like lancing and stake burning. The unorthodox form of interrogation… Read more »

Job Seekers Nationwide Welcome Casual Fridays

HUNDREDS of thousands of people welcomed the governments decision today to opt in for a nationwide casual Friday for all jobseekers. The move will see a wider acceptance of casual wear, enabling people looking for work to ‘dress down’ and ‘relax’ as they go about their weekly Friday routine. Minister for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation, Richard Bruton, TD,… Read more »

Taxi Driver Forgets To Complain About Government To Passenger

IT should have been his time to shine, but unfortunately for taxi driver Alan Williams, forgetting to complain about the government to a passenger was one mistake he will never forgive himself for. The 56-year-old Larchville man recoiled in horror as he explained the extraordinary turn of events leading up to the fare. “I was reading the Sun newspaper, like… Read more »

Sky Report Unexplained Surge In World News Stories In Wake Of Michael Jackson Trial

WORLD news events surged today to record the biggest one-day gain in stories since the beginning of the Michael Jackson murder trial in September this year. Journalists for the broadcaster have reported huge volumes in daily events from around the globe and have requested a continuous news report to replace the 5-hour murder-trial timeslot. News stories… Read more »

Euro Crisis Over After Central Bank Employee Spills Coffee On Main Computer, Erasing Billions In Debt

          EUROPEAN countries rejoiced today after an 18-month sovereign debt crisis was brought to an end when a central bank employee accidentally spilled a skinny caramel Machiatto on the ECB’s main computer, erasing billions of euros in world dept. IT worker Nathaniel King said he was performing checks on the computers mouse lead when he… Read more »

McGuinness Said To Be ‘Grasping At Straws’ As Dana’s Car Tyre ‘Blows Out’ On Motorway

SINN FEIN presidential candidate Martin McGuinness was said to be ‘grasping at straws’ today after news that Independent presidential candidate Dana Rosemary Scallon’s car suffered a suspicious tyre blowout on a motorway. Ms Scallon was asleep in the back seat when the car her husband was driving drove over hundreds of carefully placed stainless steel… Read more »

Gallagher Campaign In Jeopardy After Pitbull Terrier Claims To Be Biological Mother

PRESIDENTIAL candidate Sean Gallagher was not available for comment today after a purebred Pitbull Terrier bitch claimed she was his biological mother. The revelations came after an exclusive interview with the bitch yesterday afternoon. ‘Snowy’ told WWN she was Gallaghers long lost biological mother and that she has been trying to get in contact with him for… Read more »