Being Unable To Breastfeed, And Other Signs You’re A Dreadful Mother

THE US is currently experiencing a prolonged shortage of baby formula, but that wouldn’t affect you if you were breastfeeding your baby like any good mother. Not that we’re saying you’re not a good mother, of course. We’re saying you’re a terrible mother. Here’s why:

1) Not breastfeeding 

Let’s get this one out of the way first. Don’t give us that ‘I’m physically incapable of doing that’ malarky, we know plenty of women who can do it so we don’t see what makes you so special.

Perhaps the truth of the matter is you prefer formula as you can now hand the child off to someone else instead of being tethered to it for the whole day? Well whoever said having a kid was easy, sunshine? As for you ladies who do breastfeed, you’re doing amazing. Maybe don’t do it so much in public, though. Icky.

2) The state of your place

Look, we don’t have kids ourselves. But we know what a house with kids in it should look like, we’ve seen it on TV and in ads and on sponsored Instagram content. Pristine white sofa, baby in a white babygro, mum laughing, not a splash in sight.

Now compare that with your house. Clutter everywhere, your kid has a dirty bib on, and is that a stain on the sofa? What is that, spilled milk? Puke? We don’t want to know. Again, we appreciate being a mum is a full-time job, but how about you spare a few hours a day to tidy the place up. Honestly, what are you getting paid maternity leave for?

3) Your kid cries on public transport

A crying child can mean many things; they’re hungry, they’re tired, they need a nappy change, it’s Tuesday. But mostly, it means that you’re just not trying very hard. And now your kid is showing you up in public, which has to be embarrassing.

Would it be too much to ask you to get them to stop crying? Again, we’ve no kids but surely there’s a simple, reliable way of doing that. Otherwise we’re going to have to assume you don’t know what you’re doing.

4) Your baby’s father can barely get a moment to relax 

Probably the biggest indicator that you’re an unfit mother is how stressed out your boyfriend/husband looks all the time. The poor man can barely get out for a beer at the weekend without worrying about the bomb site he’s going to return to! And look how tired he is, surely you don’t have him up at night looking after the child too, do you? What kind of mother are you!