Selfless Delaney Quits FAI Days Before Damaging Audit Published

HALO wearing patron saint of Irish football John Delaney has suddenly resigned from the FAI with immediate effect in the surest sign yet that he has done nothing wrong, with no one finding the fact this has happened eight days ahead of the publication of a forensic audit report into the FAI suspicious at all.

“When someone resigns with immediate effect in a panic, typically it means everyone thinks they did a brilliant and flawless job,” explained an expert in really good CEOs, who wasn’t aware of the rumours that Delaney left a John Delaney shaped hole in the walls at the FAI as he made his hasty exit.

Delaney is rumoured to have secured a €450,000 exit package which is the custom and God-given right of any Irish person perceived to have been embroiled in a multitude of damaging scandals that forever tarnish the reputation and standing of the organisation they were involved in.

“John probably thought it would be too much of a distraction for him to remain part of the FAI to answer questions regarding the FAI accounts due for publication in the coming weeks, which some are suggesting make Enron look like a well run business. He’s so thoughtful, did you know he even paid his rent once? Didn’t even make the FAI pay it. Always putting others first, mainly so they’re closer to the direct impact of a blast zone,” shared one insider.

Delaney will presumably continue to refuse to answer any questions on his tenure at the FAI despite large crowds of Irish football fans openly weeping at his departure, begging him to come back.

“I was so devastated poor John only got €450,000 I went on hunger strike in between bites of my sandwich,” shared one football fan who then called Delaney a prick under his breath.