Nail-biting Finish To Nail-biting Final

IT was all-out cuticle-cutting war at the Nail-biting World Cup this week, with the final leaving many spectators cursing themselves for having bitten all their nails away already, leaving them with nothing to do but sit back in awe at the sheer nail-biting nail-biting going on before their eyes. Here’s how it all went down:

UK Nail-biting champion Derek Clinton received a first-round bye after German hopeful Ludwig Wiglud was disqualified for his use of performance-enhancing dentures.

Rising Irish star Ian Fossett obliterated Chinese wunderkind Xu Xiapong in straight sets, with an index-finger chomping that veteran nail-biters called ‘simply beautiful’.

Spanish champion Miguel Asperante fell to Giusseppe Illonesta, the Italian fourth seed, after succumbing to a dreaded quicked thumbnail after attempting to remove too much, too soon.

USA’s main man Ron Harton stunned onlookers by knocking out the incumbent champion, Russia’s Olatov Molatov, in straight hands.

SEMI FINALS

It was UK vs Ireland, Italia ’90 all over again, except with nail-biting, as Clinton and Fossett tied 10-10 after a gruelling hour of nibbling. Sudden death loomed until Fossett scored a stunning last-minute little finger peel-off to clinch his place in the finals.

Italy triumphed over the USA, with Illonesta besting Harton… but it was not without controversy. Referees awarded the Italian three free bites after Harton was spotted ‘loosening up’ his right thumbnail with his left thumbnail – a real no-no in the nail-biting world.

FINAL

There was hardly an unbitten nail in the arena as Ireland faced Italy for the crown. Ten fingers. Ten toes. Some of the most incredible, nail-biting nail-biting this sports writer has seen in his 73-odd years of sporting journalism, culminating in a much-deserved victory for the Irishman. It’s moments like these, reader, where the nails are separated from the fingers. What a time to be alive.

Until next year’s edge-of-your-seat ‘Sitting On The Edge Of A Seat’ championship, this is WWN Sport, signing off.