LIVE UPDATES: The Slow Disintegration Of The United Kingdom

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THIS IS the only place to find all essential updates on the continued and neverending political chaos the United Kingdom is gripped in as part of the world’s only case of self-imposed Stockholm Syndrome.

Need to know the ‘when’, ‘how’, ‘why’ and ‘seriously, what the fuck?’ of the slow disintegration of the United Kingdom? Then WWN is your essential news outlet. Refresh the page for new updates to find out if the United Kingdom is even a thing anymore:

Update: Further trouble for Boris Johnson as his own brother has stated his intention to step down as an MP, dye his hair and change his name to Alan Corbyn.

Update: Now unable to decide the date of a snap election themselves, the Conservatives have deported some members of the Windrush generation to cheer themselves up.

Update: EU leaders have confirmed that they don’t take any pleasure in seeing any prime minister flounder and suffer embarrassment after embarrassment but in Johnson’s case they’ll make an exception.

Update: Michael Gove before the Brexit select committee asks for an adjournment so he and his party can be given more time to rehearse the lies they were planning to trot out.

Previously

Update: In an attempt to restore a sense order and civility to proceedings Speaker Bercow has released 100 disorientated bats into the House of Commons.

Update: Donald Trump has sent officials over to begin itemising and pricing all NHS assets, equipment and terminally ill patients.

Update: Northern Ireland yet to be mentioned by anyone. Will update if it ever happens.

Update: The Daily Telegraph has published its 14th opinion column of the day which heralds Johnson’s genius, stating if people die as a direct result of Brexit they should have thought about that before they agreed to be born.

Update: An increasingly desperate Johnson has asked the Queen if she would consider letting Prince Philip die in order to create a big distraction that allows him to force through a no-deal Brexit.

Update: As protests outside parliament grow, elsewhere, the BBC has simultaneously been stormed by left-wing activists who decry the organisation’s pro-Brexit slant in its coverage and, from a separate entrance, right-wing activists who decry the organisation’s anti-Brexit Remoaner slant in its coverage.

Update: Sad scenes as Jacob Rees Mogg’s witty riposte about the reliability of penny farthings in crosswinds goes unheard.

Update: For those who have just joined us and want the complicated political wranglings explained in detail, we’re just going to go with a visual metaphor; a car full of fireworks has careened into a barrel of petrol next door to a candle factory which sits ajacent to a matches factory and someone has given a nuclear detonator to a sleep deprived toddler who’s favourite word is ‘boom’.

Update: Real fears now that if Johnson fails to crash out of the EU with no-deal Rees Mogg’s trading firm Somerset Capital which he moved to Dublin will sadly not make huge profits in betting against the UK via shorting the pound. Genuinely harrowing turn of events and just one of the realities of not delivering a hard Brexit.

Update: It’s reported that all Tory MPs who voted against the government have had the whip removed and are effectively kicked out of the party.

This will allow Johnson to further shape the party in his no-deal-at-all-costs image by recruiting new candidates to run in a general election, rumoured potential candidates include a boiled ham, Nigel Farage, a jar containing Churchill’s last known fart, the classic ITV show Minder, Margaret Thatcher’s death mask, a food bank, several Cayman island bank accounts, Papa Lazarou from the League of Genltemen and the front page The Sun ran after the Hillsborough disaster.

Previously:

Update: Johnson loses key vote as 21 Tory MPs vote against the party in the clearest sign yet that prime minister has everything under control and it’s all going to plan.

Update: Health concerns for Jacob Rees Mogg now, initially thought to be contemptuously reclining on a parliament bench like an entitled twat, we’ve got word that a portrait of the Victorian dandy was found in his attic and he is now fatally aging before our very eyes.

Update: Johnson becomes the first prime minister since 1894 to lose his first commons vote as leader, which political experts are calling ‘spectacularly shit’.

Update: What are the journalists making of it? Over on Sky News Kay Burley has been stuck cry-screaming ‘the sadness in his eyes’ over looped footage of a British bulldog for the last 2 hours. The BBC’s Royal correspondent is shouting through the gates of Buckingham Palace begging for another royal wedding and/or baby to ‘make the pain go away’. On ITV and Channel 4, they’re sort of onboard with the chaos.

Update: Taking the temperature now in Dublin, how are they Irish government gauging the events in London? “Our A&E departments are overwhelmed with patients seeking treatment for bruised ribs from all the laughing they’re doing”.

Previously:

Update: In a terrifying development which has struck fear and panic into the hearts of everyone across the United Kingdom their incompetent politicians returned to work.

Update: Johnson has ratcheted up his no-deal preparations by staring out the window absentmindedly for 20 minutes and forgetting where exactly he is.

Update: As quarreling about stopping a hard Brexit ‘no deal’ scenario continues, the act of Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party blocking the hardline Conservatives from a hard Brexit could lead to a general election which could spark a civil war, which could spark a new and different civil war within the Conservative Party as well as the Labour Party. All normal.

Update: The Daily Mail runs its now routine ‘This Man Wants To Murder Your Children’ Jeremy Corbyn front cover.

Update: Ooooh, some crying now! Pro-Remain protesters want an election to oust Johnson but going on the recent voting trends of the British public they expect the Tories to romp home with 110% of the vote with the Brexit Party’s Nigel Farage appointed to new cabinet position of Chief Foreigner Botherer.

Update: Further evidence of Johnson’s no-deal preparations and snap election readiness has been found as pictures emerge of Johnson playing with toy cars and making crashing noises with his mouth as he hurtles them into one another.

Update: the lack of brains behind Boris Johnson and Leave campaign disaster-mind, Dominic Cummings has spent much of the day unleashing his much heralded ‘strategic genius’ in the form of people leaking details about how much of a twat he is.

Update: Michael Gove has confirmed that the mass graves needed in a post no-deal Brexit scenario will have a lovely view of hills.

Updated: A legal challenge to Johnson’s attempt to prorogue parliament is being held in Edinburgh and documents obtained reveal Johnson okay’d proroguing in the middle of August but subsequently said in public he had no intention of proroguing parliament. News that Johnson is a serial liar and charlatan is set to shake the UK to its foundations.

Update: Additionally Scotland has issued a statement to remind everyone it’s fucking livid and first chance it gets it’s voting to leave the UK for real this time.

Update: The name of this blog has officially changed to the ‘lightning quick disintegration of the United Kingdom’ to reflect the current pace of things.

Update: In response to Conservative MP and former chancellor Philip Hammond’s attempts to stop a no-deal, Johnson has been seen pinning a piece of paper of Hammond’s back which reads ‘Bumder’ in ancient Greek.

Update: Conservative MP Phillip Lee has defected to the Liberal Democrats, robbing Johnson of a working majority. This evening’s emergency debate is expected to be another resounding example of the calm and edifying debate on Brexit we’ve seen the last three years.

Refresh for more updates.

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