The Queen Growing Out Her Cocaine Nail

SETTING ASIDE a lifetime of trying to preserve Britain’s air of dignity, Queen Elizabeth II is finally dropping the repressed facade of impartial poise, grace and restraint in favour of growing out her coke nail.

“The Union is disintegrating. C’mon, the fucking PM thinks he’s the King and can force through a no-deal Brexit even if he loses a vote of no confidence. Country’s gone to the dogs. I’m 93, fuck it, why should one be the only one trying to retain any sense of decency round here?” the Queen was allegedly said as she freely snorted a line off the balcony at Buckingham Palace.

While some Royal staff had attempted to cut down the length of the Queen’s baby fingernail, the monarch has resisted all attempts.

“The plan was to cut the nail down while she was asleep but now she’s on the coke, she never fucking sleeps,” explained one Buckingham Palace staff member.

“Really? ‘Oh no, what if the tourists see’,” the Queen shouted, repeating the words of her husband Prince Philip back to him in a mocking tone, humiliating him in front of onlookers.

The Queen’s heavy and frequent use of the narcotic has resulted in some negative side effects including diarrhea however, she has assured her subjects there’s far more shit emanating from Boris Johnson’s government.

“Have you taken a moment to watch the fucking news? Me doing lines is the least of this country’s worries. Now, either stick some Boney M on the sound system or fuck off ‘cus Queenie wants to dance,” the Queen was heard shouting to staff in between guttural snorts.