Loyalists Make Switch To Carbon Free Bonfires

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LOYALISTS in Northern Ireland have pledged to make this year’s Orange Order celebrations a little more green, with the introduction of carbon-saving measures over the entire 12th of July festivities.

“Each bonfire we burn every year contains about 10,000 pallets, contributing tonnes of CO2 to the atmosphere,” explained lodge leader Sammy Sammison, spearheading this year’s environmentally friendly 12th.

“So we looked at that and thought no, that’s not right. We can’t allow that to happen. So instead, we’ll be burning reduced-carbon pallets, making sure to ban tires from all bonfires, and ensuring that if we burn an Irish flag, that it contains no harmful dioxins that could have a detrimental effect on the air we breathe”.

With pallet burning a tradition that dates back to 1690 when William Of Orange celebrated victory at the Boyne by burning a big load of pallets, Sammison explained that the Orange Order have ‘a way to go’ to atone for their carbon footprint.

“You’ve got the generations of bonfires, you’ve got the whole cash for ash thing… we’ve been pretty careless with this beautiful planet of ours” sobbed Sammison.

“From myself, my Order members, the DUP and loyalists all over Ulster, I just want to say we’re so, so sorry. Hopefully we can do something to make up for it, one bonfire at a time!”.

This swell of goodwill has swept across the entire north, with even the PSNI vowing to only shoot eco-friendly tear gas and recycled rubber bullets at Republicans.

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