Smug Conspiracy Theorist Knew About Jeffrey Epstein For Years

“Ha – I fucking told you all ten years ago,” Jerry Lawrance gloated in an early morning group text to all 345 contacts in his phone book, followed by a link to the arrest of Jeffrey Epstein yesterday, “Clinton, Trump, Prince Andrew; they’re all in on it, man, this goes all the way to the top of the pyramid – open your eyes”.

Lawrance, who spends most of his time watching weird YouTube videos in his retail security job, took the day off after hearing the news, such was the shock and excitement about finally being right about something.

“I knew all my research would pay off some day,” he said, referring to the thousands of alternative media articles he read online about Jeffrey Epstein trafficking underage girls around the world, “it’s only now hitting the mainstream media – they’ve no choice to report it now as it’s too big to hide – oh boy this will be huge”.

Ignoring countless mainstream media articles on Epstein’s court cases in the mid to late noughties, and the well known fact the billionaire is still classified as a sex offender in the US, the 34-year-old Kilkenny man was adamant the latest development has now proved all his suspicions right, and urged friends a family to listen to his conspiracies in future.

“They all laughed when I said Hitler died an old man in Argentina,” he added, smugly, “and that the earth is actually flat, but who’s laughing now?

“There is going to be some grovelling and apologising done over the next few weeks, mark my words”.

However, replying to his group text, longtime friend Colin Mackey quickly shot down Lawrence’s condescending tone.

“Shut the fuck up, Jerry, everyone knew this, you fucking clown,” he texted, followed by a dozen or more smiley replies from friends.